I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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