I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
