Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
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she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi