Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
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The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to