what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
