I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
