I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
