You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
