dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
