Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Boobs speak an international language.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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