TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
