Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
