I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
