Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
