I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
