so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
