This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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