dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
