Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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