I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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