First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
