if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
