What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
