He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
