i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
