btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
