She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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