I think I died a long time ago.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
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