So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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