uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
