Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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