Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
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While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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