my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
