I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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