we made out on top of his cat.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
