You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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