She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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