My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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