I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
