Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
