Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
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I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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