Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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