Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
