Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
