Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
