I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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