Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
