So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
