I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
