I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
