He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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