I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
