I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
