youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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