Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
