News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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