I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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