Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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